"We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies - all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes. Most island universes are sufficiently like one another to Permit of inferential understanding or even of mutual empathy or "feeling into." Thus, remembering our own bereavements and humiliations, we can condole with others in analogous circumstances, can put ourselves (always, of course, in a slightly Pickwickian sense) in their places. But in certain cases communication between universes is incomplete or even nonexistent. The mind is its own place, and the Places inhabited by the insane and the exceptionally gifted are so different from the places where ordinary men and women live, that there is little or no common ground of memory to serve as a basis for understanding or fellow feeling. Words are uttered, but fail to enlighten. The things and events to which the symbols refer belong to mutually exclusive realms of experience. To see ourselves as others see us is a most salutary gift. Hardly less important is the capacity to see others as they see themselves."
aldous huxley, doors of perception.
Since I ignored the diary for all of march, I will write a passing synopsis... an obituary for the month which passed so suddenly... The main theme of Febuary is friends! Which is why could spare less time for my diary. It took me long enough but I have finally acrewed some semblence of social succsess! Which comes in the form of stealing my boyfriend's friends... It is a win-win for both of us because I was never going to find a girl to be friends with in the california beach city I happen to live in. But it also prevents anything awkward from coming out of M-F friendships (which is inevitable). This is also the month that I got into video games (the vehicle neccesary to talk to his friends). I played a lot of SEIGE, some tekken, two games of NEO scavanger, and tried to start dwarf fortress. Im also going to school now and will take the first GED test on the 15th.
partyI'm not sure what to do now, I'm discontent and bored now that all the month's big fun has passed. I've been noticing the grime everywhere in the appartment, but as soon as I clean it gets dirty again. The same goes for my body, its immpossible to maintain any level of purity. I am thinking about a diet of some sort to feel well again.
last night I read nekojiru in india. It made me happy to realize that nekojiru was a stoner, because I always wanted to relate to her but in her obituary her husband only describes her as a schizoid, when she was acctually more of a retarded addict like I used to be. I wish I could understand why she killed herself.
Wasting away. I spent a lot of time drawing. Escapism as useless as video games, but it didn't feel like a waste, because I was in no rush to do anything else, somehow it's also considered a less useless hobby than the others, somehow...I feel like a farm animal today. I clean, I watch filth acumulate. I watch the food meter creep lower, I fill water meter, I fill sleep meter, I clean my body, I watch the filth accumulate, I struggle to come up with a joke, I eagerly anticipate the next meal, I feel it heavy in my core, i am happy shit it out tommorow. I amble arround trying to think of what to do, something easy enough for a farm animal but usefull enough that it counts as living. I take care of master,. I am happy to be usefull. I clean the kitchen,. I am happy to be usefull. I dread getting an education. I put it off another year. I clean my kitchen, I clean my bowels , i fill up my achinmg stomach with juices, i look in the mirror and ive grown a litle, muscle, fat, older, uglier. i clean the puss from my pores, i sweep the kitchen. I stay off the bottom of the board playinmg seige. Thank you humans for having me as a guest, im sorry for taking up space, I prom,ice not to kill myself, I will shit out more maggots to consume the earth corpse, thank you for this body, i am happy to be usefull and swelling with life. dystill the dysgenic population further. imagine a world where the smartest amoung us are too deppressed to have kids, so only the lower caste inherit the earth, a horrifying sci-fi plot. my passion is wating time untill i die
But useing this website makes me feel cleaner, mabye It's the idea that I have total control here, and that I'm creating something.
I feel relaxed after going to the gym and skipping school.
I am not ignoring this website I am just sick of regurgitating my boring inner monolouge for nobody to read so the diary is barren. New seige season. Dirty shoes from weeding half of the masters dad's garden. I call him that because its true, not because it's sexy, he basically owns me in every way except the legal,(yet). But I am useless on my own and he makes me happy so its awesome, dont get the wrong idea, dont form any ideas, please. My test is on the 15th. I almost forgot about it which is really bad. I was forgiven for missing one day of school as long as I email a warning next time. I stayed up too late and tried to read one peice. It is not bad. Cocoa powder has an insidius amount of cafffine. Even though I remorse about the fact that nobody cares about what I have to say, I would be deeply embarressed if anyone I knew in real life read this. I would like online anons to see it though, and talk to me about it, that would be ideal but it's a pipedream. I am enjoying the thought of dinosaurs and the first creatures. It makes me feel small and immutible and inevitable.
An old friend who I REALLY ruined my relationship with before moving away asked if I would play a game with her that all of her friends hate. I really want to reconnect with her but at the same time it feels like it will be too much suffering. Reading about the hadean makes me happy.
word of the day: carapace
I will get less than 6 hours of sleep tonight. If the buses dont run as earily as I need to then I will just remain uneducated forver. Fossilization is astoundingly immprobable, and yet the earth teems with fossils. Everything that can happen will and already has happened. My life is meaningless because I will not be fossilized in any way. My life is a dream.
wake up: 7 am >6 hours of sleep. i test for an eternity and then I clean. Yesterday was miserable, I spent 5 hours neurotically getting ready for an event which I decided to dress like a normal jeans and (dress)shirt bum for anyway. It had all of M's nerd (cool) friends going but also some of M's normal friends who I hadnt been able to get along with before. I thought I would have fun because Im part of the group now but the normal ones were the new extroverted center of the group and I just mourned at the sidelines the entire time begging to participate in anything. Even my favorite part of hanging:tekken, was taken from me by these bums. God, please make all the normal people die. I havn't worn a hoodie in so long, but it's become my uniform for making the pilgramige to special ed. It feels nice to be covered in a fur coat. It would be more good than bad for me if I became completely permanintly invisable. There are a few people who wish I would speak less. I find it hard to stand up for myself because I think they are objectivly correct in hating me, and anything less is foolishness or deception. All 10 of "us" crammed in this car together, on the way to and back from the dennys I was left only a place on top of liam, at first on his lap, and then when another person was added to the car, I took a place behind him with my ass on the headrest of the very back seat. If the driver had decided to put a stop to any inertia, I would have been thrust either through the back windowsheild or into the frount cabin after pulverizing M's cranium. On the way back, they played loud music and urged the driver to go faster and to make more risky decisions. Clearly it was ironic, but it make me think that this is the type of thrill that I would pursue if I had been born in a third world country. board bus: 8:31I feel ok for how tired I could be. I will make the house look nice for boyd then tell him about how much yesterday sucked and he will empathise. I think about my time in the psycward a lot. It was alien to be immprisoned like that with only my mind and time. It's where I picked up the habit of keeping a diary with timestamps. I have grown to resent my own physical appearance. Self improvement is a sisiphilian endevor on a slope which grows more precipitously by the month. It is like cleaning the house, a task I do for other people so they don't think I'm a bad person, but I don't inatly care about the deterioration of myself and my surroundings. I'm not suicidal but I still think about death all the time. It seems even less scary to die now that I've lived. It used to feel religous to me, important and nessicary. Now I see it like eating or shitting or coughing. I find everybody on earth anoying because nobody is ever fully satisfied with me. I miss being arround autistics who disregarded petty human drama. If I wasnt so self-hating I wouldn't be so scared that others will hate me, but life is improving exponentially at least. I have been working out for one forth of a year. There have been 73 one forths of a year in my life thus far, many of which I don't remember. The teacher's aid attempted breifly to pursuade me of islam after my test. He handed me a nice chocolate. I got home and napped and will miss the events of tonight. Every day is a million mini deaths and mini births. A few of them fossilized in my memory each for each million forgotten. But even the moments consigned to oblivian evolve the mass I consist of. (rephrase) But every million bodies obliterated inch the evolution of "me" forward by one nano-life. I am the mass of these organisms shaped by natural selection. There are species inside me, germs and neurons and ligiments built from even more miniscule cellular organisms. The goal of the collective of them, the culture of their civilizations, rusults in my thoughts, feelings, memories, aches, and movements. They die every day. They are born every day. They wage wars against eachother and establish domanince over one another.
I am always grateful for suffering because I am incapable of harm avoidance unless I experience consiquences directly, and suffering always makes breif reprives sweeter. The worse things get the better I get at not feeling anything. This is a long post nobody will read even if anyone did read here so I will mope some more; M only looked at this website once, which makes me sad. whatever. all mine.
I have started taking pictures
No matter what, I am happy because I will live out my human existance as I am supposed to. Also because I got intoxicated on booze tonight.
We had friends over at the appartment and it was a lot of fun.
One of M's friends called me mysterious which makes me happy because I assume everyone can read my character easily as the deperate and insecure resentful loser type. I don't think I'm fully a pick-me because I want female friends I just cant get them. I'm not like men at all but that doesnt mean I can't relate to them and be friends with them. M was in a really bad mood today.
male friend identified me as an "internet woman". Thats my creed thats my culture....
I played too much neo scavanger today and died a lot. I'm pretty bad. M keeps bullying me over the possibility that I might be italian. We will see in 9 days give or take. I'm always tired.
I am not bitter anymoer becasue I slept well on the couch. I am an attention whore. I forgot I was supposed to go to school today. Fuck. fuck, fuckk. fuck,. fuck. fuckkk. fuck. fuck. fuckk . im so lazy. fuck. having a wife seems terrible. nagging, complaining, bitter, ages, gets fat, stinks!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the product of millions of years of evolution. I wonder if simple animals feel shame. at the very least they dont remember it, i hope. im really ashamed. im so ashamed. and yet, i dont change! foolish and insane. today i will use resorces and generate none. when we played seige yesterday N says "live is meaningless" and G says "thast why we play seige!" thats how I feel today, I will feel bad then I will feel good then I will sleep and do it again. there is a dove cooing outside. I smoked a cigar with liam on the padio. It feels classical to have a ciggeratte break. H hates me. G hates some parts of me. I wish I didnt care so much. N likes me. L still protects me because he likes me.B thinks Im a lazy gooner. NK thinks Im empty headed. I hate going on discord. hate eating. hate lifting. hate living. but not allowed to say that. fooled L into liking me, SHAME!
Im worried B read this and hates me now. Either that or he hates that im a NEET right now. Last night a friend and his sister came over to play poker. It was so much fun. Liam started useing both of our computers to mine crypto because we dont pay for energy.
I havent gone to school or studied or done my chores. I feel extremely down. Maybe I will turn on music and plow through some mess, my time would be far better spent doing that than this. Getting fatter. Getting poorer. I feel really sickly and alone.. and that i CANT BE A MOTHER!!! because its been all this time and I still dont want to live! study; wage; diet; im slipping into fantasy and feel cramps creeping up (embarassing) (i hate being a foid, honestly, at least in current time and day) Im always scared walking in my reletivly safe city, because im such a loser even the real world threatens me with bullying... all things said and done im a femcel; internet woman; manga girl; (adorable btw and makes me really happy) it is facinating that my life (what i consider me (my internal evosystem))does not exist AT ALL! to others. blank slate. and yet im so wrapped up in me its hopeless! I love you diary, thank you for being a true friend; a mirror; tulpa; not even the world can see you now; nor liam; nor me after I write you; my ideal friend would be someone with dimentia! :) DIARY CHAN YURI! lowly ape woman >_
Paying my penitence now for two days of manga reading and many months of not working or studying. It’s really easy for me to grow complacent doing the bare minimum. Maybe liam changing me will lead either to me hating him so much that we break up or a genuine improvement.? Either way biking can either yield death or happiness so It’s logically not the worst but will be very uncomfortable. I’m happy that I didn’t have to go to school today. I also handled liam yelling at me okay. He wants me to bike there four days a week. Why does he have to be such a good strong person. What if I really didn’t want to have kids when I was older so I made myself infertile. im more worried about having kids than I am motivated. If push comes to shove ill escape to fantasy or escape. Why am I such a brat? I feel that I hate living like a good person, it’s something I came to as a last resort, but I found that no matter what I tried Im still myself. Im still a person that hates living completely, who is being forced to live. Its a simple conflict of our goals(fundamentally) even if we have other things in common. Its possible that i’ll be happy even if we break up when im 20, or up. Sex is no longer a commodity to me. Liam isnt interested in me at all when he gets home. I hope this is how divorce starts, him acting coldly towards me. If I continued to let him down, he would break up with me right? Then what? I would throw all my clunky shit away, ship a bag of everything else, and beg my mom for enough money to go home. Spirit tickets are cheap. Id say. She would do it so that she could se me again, even though i’m a narcissistic disaster with internet rot. I could stay with someone perhaps until I found a job. Remember that time after work my dad drove me to the psychiatric ward and told me that he would send me there if I didn’t take my zog pills? Im not an alt right dissident. I said it made me want to rent out a shed to live in just to get away from them. What if liam hadn’t convinced me out of it. im stupid! my boyfriend is getting attention from his friends. I wish I had friends. He is turning on his camera for compliments. he’s on a call with trannys and I cant even text a tranny. what if the wonder of the modern world really is decadence and faggory. I dont like living in real life so I am addicted to my phone. march 29th: sat on the bike a little. liam got me to masturbate him with lots of petting and whatever. By an amazing strike of luck the tires were too deflated to ride on. I feel like wasting my time in a coffee shop. I am decadent and worthless :3. I fixed up the bike. The ride there was very difficult but the ride back was okay, except i still don’t know road rules or how the speed-notches work. I look dirty and shocking to people, my anime shirt with an undershirt, my weird hair and ugliness, my dirty clothes and dirtier shoes. I mostly want to sit here to be away from liam. He will make me bike to school and then go to the gym. I hate him. I really have nothing good to do. Best option I could go to school on the bus, but liam would kill me, so there are no options. i wish i had friends. I wish I could eat an awesome cookie. after all this time, liam finally understands that im the degenerate. good job einstein! Theres one good result of thus though; doing anything to get away from liams rule sounds awesome! Even gardening is peaceful now. just kidding.. back to biking! I got about as far as I could run on the bike! Liam could easily walk to me here. (and said that he would be watching me on find my so he probably will) I could turn it off. I could try and go a bit further but I really don’t want to go on the highway and Im sleepy… I want a boyfriend who goes on bike rides with me for fun instead of one who forces me to bike to lakewood. I have to leave before he chases me. chicken broth cubes tortilini? (wonton wrapper, rottini) I managed to make it. It was closed, but the bike ride was nice and relatively easy.
Hello. Why are western movies edited in such an unbearabke way now? Why do people like movies that arnt interesting? Every time I go to a movie theater I regret it, but I wanted to hang out with liams friends because I had been expecting to, and (in a hushed tone) I have fun sometimes. Like watching the matrix last night, which was written before milleniels filled the seats in hollywood. I got some slop from wholefoods. When I try to pull a historical compairison to what I see on the screen, I can see some semblence of the gaudy scifi movies of the 70s. The ideals of that time were heroism and purity, now we are told to aspire to radical empathy and snide millenial marvel comedy. I am a little disopointed because I at least wanted to the ability to consider getting high, but thats for the best.
Liam is really annoying because he's in withdrawl. Last night I was extremely sleepy after going to easter dinner so I slept on the couch. He woke me up at 3 am by annoying me untill I stirred and then scared the hell out of me. I am mad at him for this.