The "dated daily diary" format has been relinquished from this website. It was boring.

DISMISSED

The binding spell is fading. I was told that I should behave well; otherwise, I risk being dismissed from my position as a wizard's servant. This is an enausiating thought, given the mistakes I have made recently. When M admitted the fragility of our companionship, it betrayed the most beautiful of the many grand ideas I have used to sculpt my conception of him. It is easy to think of him as a religious and paternal-like figure (a male god is usually both) endowed with the superior cognitive ability to forgive me for even my most irational blunders, with only his forbearance and the faith in his mind that I will some day make him a fine protege. But alas, this was only an idea born of ignorance and nursed on delusion, a figure which I had projected onto a vague silhouette in a pitch-black room.

If I look at it logically, it is likely that he has invested far to much in me to ever throw me away. So this is probably just an incentive for good behavior, given that I keep disopointing him. M has come to the point of telling me repeatedly this month that I "can't do anything right" and that I'm stupid or LOW-iq, yelling slamming doors ect. After reciving my tounge-lashings, while I was in the throws of guilt, humiliation, and deep black thrashing misery, I thought of all the times that I have felt like this. As if my life was really over, and how each of those times had inevitably been consigned to nothing but mere memories. Of course it followed then that this moment too would follow suit, and so it would be okay, and after some time it was.(until the next agony arises).

When I get scolded by the M, for saying something inappropriate, as I apparently do within every interaction, it makes me feel disgusted for having submitted my life so completely to someone else. Of course, being barrated for my faults daily has a positive impact on my survival, because I am a very faulty person. But I think that I could reap the benefits of it while also preserving some of my sanity if I had some space for solitude available to me. Cabin fever. 

The city is constricting, suffocating. The city only lets you breathe past 12 a.m. and only in the strips between streetlights, and even then, the ambient glow of light pollution spares only the blind man. When the time comes for me to fulfill the final obligation, I hope I haven't forgotten by then what peace and solitude feel like.

Dream last night

I dreamt that I lived in a white european country. One day I got on the bus without any particular destination. I ended up in greece with my mom, and attempted to take pictures of beheamoth chinese shrines and greek arctiecture. My mom was with me. Then I went home.

I was in the forest in fall and the same bus comes barreling past me north, then makes a turn twards the east. I manage to board it somehow and start on an uncertain adventure. I wanted to go bac kt othe place I had been before, but ended up in the balkens somewhere. I was scared and didn't have money. All the passengers and I disembarked. I went to a hotel area and walked arround confussed, and then I managed to make a friend out of a girl my age. She took me to sit with the rest of her friends. The four of us sat together at a table in a classroom. I looked into their eyes and then turned to my friend to remark "My! You've got such dark eyes!". all of them had light milky hazel eyes with no limbal rings, exept her, who had brown eyes so dark that it was difficult to distinguish her iris. Her friend told me that this was an innopropriate remark. I walked arround and enjoyed being in such a lovley and unfamiliar place.