(spelling errors uncorrected)JUN23//
I don't want to act clever, think clever. I don't want to want to be interesting (The narsisist thinks; I am interesting so I have to prove it to you, to myself. so sickening, so vapid.) But how do you talk to people if not by trying to say something that's worth saying? Slightly new - slightly novel? I don't want to talk to anyone boring... I talk to a lot of people at work. The idea of a person who can escape into their imagination has always been so romantic to me. As a kid, when I heard about schizophrenia, I thought it was the coolest, because you didn't need other people to have friends.

I really feel like a child all the time. Swallowed up by confusion about everything. Even you reading this will probobly think that it's juvinile, my desire to scrawl on and on about how I am confused and upset. I'm a very emotional and anxious woman. I hated being a kid because I didn't understand anything. Everything made me feel helpless and I felt a nurvous anticipation to go ahead and grow up. Now I feel like no matter what I do or what path I go down, nothing will change in my life. Everything still feels hopelessly the same every day, no matter what. And I just want to go through life like an old man, smoking and listening to music and sitting in the garage. The idea that I'm too unstable to be a good mother is concerning to me. Anything that isn't interesting to me, I can't do it, so I just have to hope that being a mother will be as interesting to me as I've always hoped it would be. It's far away for now, anyway. Well, on the flip side, I love novels, and my family is very kind to me, and I belive in true love(even though love is a pain in the ass), and my job is pretty fun, and I am pretty confident in myself, and the Lord is great, and my church is great, and I want to learn greek and for now I am doing okay at that. On the down side I am terrible at writing fiction, and I never sleep well, and I can't make friend with women, and I am comfortable enough in my life to be complacent with it. I have this idea that there is a part of you that accepts your life, and a part forevermore rebeling and if one goes too far the other will make you crack up and take control. It's like a woman who marries too young (dreaming of her could-be) and her husband waking up at 5am to pay off the morgage and college funds and ect ect which does not really exist in real life. And they nip and bite and scorn and at one moment they are numb to eachother and at the next sworn enimies; something romantic about that too, no? (Is it just because I was mentally broken?*) Goodnight.
*Goodnight although this topic can never be laid to rest, apparently.

jun29. I'm not a daydreamer, I'm not a fanticist, I'm not a storywriter. A student of her husband once aproached Shirley Jackson and asked her what painting she was working on. She said I'm a writer, not I'm a painter. But I'm a writer? A writer? Or am I a housewife? Am I a writer or a housewife? Am I what I really am in real life or are the sectret things in my heart the real me? Do other people know who I am? Can they? Do I? Do you, good sir? My guilty pleasures; bad things happening so that I can become very numb feeling, hearing people smarter and cooler than me do things stupider and lamer than I have done yet; also; people stupider than me saying really insightful things every once in a while, or being really funny, so I can say to them "What the hell, you're awesome! I love you! I value you!; thinking that the opinions of others matter; thinking the opinions of others do not matter;

When the only sound advice I can find comes from men on the internet who strive to be even more masculine and stoic than they are disposed to be, often their advice and aspirations can be so far from my pathetic female reality, but: "all mortals tend to turn into the thing they are pretending to be." Anyway, Is imagination demonic? Mom (my precious things) and Dad (the church) are fighting... Latley I have thought that creativity is like magic (given that it is impossible to measure, comprehend, or aquire for me), and that God is more creative than any of us, given that He is THE CREATOR. And in genral the Bible is never lacking in colorful and creative prose. Anyway, anything about faith is rediculous coming from me, who knows nothing about faith. (Deciding later on the awnser: Herein lies the problem with trusting the opinions of people on the internet, I remembered that this guy says the exact opisite, emphaticlly. The middle road is always best for these vauge issues, unless Christ said otherwise.

Was talking to mom about parenting and felt that the kind of problems that kids usually have with their parents are not a result of the parents personal philosophies when it comes to disapline and such but more a result of a battle bettween personalities. I think that I and my parents would have had to been completely different people for me to turn out any differently.

jul6 Hello. I am jealous of the faith of the Amish. I have been reading Patricia Highsmith because an old teacher of mine recommended her because I like Shirley Jackson. I really hate my life right now. I can't summon faith or reverence or excitement for anything, and I have more often than not problems with my sleep. I am discontent because of my boring contented life and so I dream (not day-dream, I am not creative) that I will next year move to a town in Blue Ridge where there is an Orthodox Church. I had a good day today with my boyfriend. I have to drop Edith's diary because it is too filthy. A genre of misery which is unbearable to me is when many people who have given up on life share small quarters. Like a home rented by dysfunctional people who've met off the internet. Or the grimy trailer of my thai friend where 10 or more people slept in any place they could fit every night, and the bathroom was caked, inches deep, in-who-knows-what... And of more than one person.. especially if it's a self-satisfied, happy couple, especially if they work vapid jobs in the hours of the day before, who sit or lay and watch some mindless show together. Anyway, that is the genre of the book. The price of salt is better but very tastefully homoerotic :/(this is the one the teacher recomended, so I had to try. I generally like books about close female relationships, but not ones that were meant to be romantic when they were written. Amazingly, Shirley Jackson's characters really are just good friends, and for camellia, well, it was a different time. I can't think of any others right now, I don't even remember what the one was in rebbecca that stupid stupid (reading book reviews for anything I've ever read, I've come to believe that women who read novels are somehow prone to hallucinations? Or Amnesia, or compulsive lying maybe?)gothic fans say is so totally gay! In general Highsmith's novels seem depressing in a way which is not interesting to me (her mysteries are probably more inspiring?) and I am not a fan of the overly-detailed prose which seems to only serve to take up word count.(also, Clifie is one of themost devistating characters wthat I have ever encountered. He is a failure-to-launch antisocial personality that I could compare to myself, my friends, and my parents at the same time. Even the cat relates to clifie, the way that he is grown and agressive and just a useless drain of life, and yet they still baby him and call him the same cute little boy's name that he's had all his life. It's just terrible.
Positive: "The point of life is to prepare for what we are going to do next." (This might be from bird's next but i cant remember) I have some money, I have a plan, I have a will to do something on my own and not just wait and wait for it to be done for me. I am very very deviod of God but I have the love and want of God still with me. I have become friendsish with a girl at work:)(not enough to hang out off-duty, but we acknowledge and appreciate eachother on shift.), I love my boyfriend a lot, (I miss caffine so much, I'm so useless everyday now, forever, its horrifying, but even a little and the nights of restlessness and days of suffering will gladly greet me again), my dad is fond of me even though he could choose not to be, I have gone on lots of fun trips lately, the most interesting and smart and funny and attractive and freakish weirdo man I have ever met loves me always even though I am a deppressive slob, my pay is good and my job fun, and greek class havn't been canceled even though the first meeting has been delayed two consecutive weeks. Goodnight.
I also read dream house (not for the women, for the domestic abuse), and uhm hangsaman was a huge hit and life amoung the savages is a bit drab and tartar steppe before that which is very nostolgic to me now after I have read so many very unmasculine books in a row. All I do is work and read and clean, id like to defeat the totalitarian figure which is MYSELF and make a change in my life, please.

Hello. How to Move to the Country: Land and Property needed watching this video is one of the best things that has happened to me recently. I have a kind of perpetual prisoners mindset where I am so miserable in my present situation that I grasp onto the freedom that (something else in the future) will bring. This time it is a good and healthful hope, at least in comparision to the ones i've had in the past (I say relatiev because the best option would an uncomprimising complete surenter to Christ, roveing around like the apostles.(a "true christian" lol; but also srs..)) Anyway, the task seems imposible esp because my fiance can't find a job he wants to keep-_-(yes as a female i am emtitled to have everything done for me, btwbtwxD) but anyway luke saying here that you don't need much to move gives me will to live, (or willpower, or will to power...) cuz everyone else in my life goes "tony, (my new alias in my imagination, obviously you know my real name by now reader) your homesteading ideas are so UNREALASTIC, you should give up on those childish thoughts like I did and accept reality!! (what my dad says, my mom just expresses infinite doubts but doesn't have anything to base them on). Luke doesn't talk about cob though. But lots of other smart people do so it's fine (Although I still want to ask him someday. (in person would be better than an awkward email)(I asked him if he thinks emf is harmfull and he just said "yes". I should have asked "what are your opinions on emf,, lol! I 'm so bad at talking to people...))

JUL13 Hi friend! (And you are my substitute for a friend, so don't deny it.) Soon I will have a car :). My boyfriend (I feel this word fails to describe our relationship) has decided to live in an rv instead of paying rent so I am going to use his car while he does that... I hate cars. They are a huge waste of money and super decadent and bad for your body and I hate air conditioning and music too and cars typically have both deployed at the same time by most autophiles. (although mine won't have ac. But you get worse feul economy with the windows down and I am a little worried about mold growing in the car so it's still not great. (mold is growing on every surface outside this month, georgia is so gross.) But that is okay because I love having the windows down and the car gets terrible milage anyway so I should just kill myself.) (I always take slow roads and slow down way before I can even see the light in-case it is red so that I can keep slowing down (hopefully without even having to deploy the breaks)) (I do stop in-frount of orange lights though because if I get a ticket it would be more expensive that what I saved in gas from blowing every orange light I encounter. Yeah.. I really hate breaking..)
Anyway .. :D.. my favorite mode of transportation is biking because it only brings good things.. health.. freedom.. happiness,, connection with enviroment,, inteactions with people.. I don't do it anymore though because if I get grazed by a car or slip on a branch or a rock or whatever and manage to fall (I have done this once before when I was 20, tore a tendon in my knee which was really bad, but luckly it healed enough on it's own without having to seek atention.) off and break something i would be in debt FOREVER because I don't have insurance obviously. Also I have a heart attack going on the 50mph road I have to take from my house into town because there are homeless people EVERYWHERE and its also kindof in the hood so there are thugs EVERYWHERE and there is no bike lane and so the cars either get really close to me or swerve into the oppisite lane both of which could go badly so It makes me really anxious also its uphill so I'm dying while fretting about the next car rthat is definitly going to kill me and yeah it's a great deturent to biking. there's no way to walk it there either besides high weeds and forest.. and then beacsue of the homeless and thugs I really don;t want to take the bus or walk either. So that leaves flying burrowing and driving basically.
in other news.. lost motiv for greek beacsue im a loser but im still in the class so i have to try.. and made a shirt succsessfully ,,, finally...
hello... i want to die... i hate living so much ... i will keep saving money.. and then i will buy land (no idea where) and then I will build my cob house.. and then ill be fucking a billion years old or whatever and my kids will die of autism.. and I'll have a nice rocket feul heater and I would have spent today making candlesticks to light the house instead of moping for who knows what reason.

Hello... I like to be outside of the house whenever possible. Animals are so busy all the time. You never see an animal hanging out or sleeping. My life might as well already be over (ie;i might as well make a big change in my life, because anything would be better) because I live like a corpse whenever I am not working or with the only thing that makes me happy (him, which I can have about once a week because I'm like a dog who needs more than she is needed.) (also the only thing which can plunge me into wrath and complete dispair.) its gross to mope publicly,, I am going to atlanta tommorow with the anime club because I don't have anything better to do on that day. all the girls there (2) are really loud and have to have everything explained to them. the oldest girl at work is so far the closest thing i have to a friend. shes a little bit of a millenial and i can;t laugh at the pictures she shows me but she is funny and interesting. the only person in the club i like is a guy with a really laid back personality. he has a huge afro and is just very easy going. The atmosphere in the club always feels tense because so many of the people there are really awkward. its "high level socializing" to act cool talking about and watching something as retarded as anime and they are obviously not high level so it feels like everyone there is under strain. It's amazing to me how people accept the world so easily. everything is repulsive. 7/24