jun29. I'm not a daydreamer, I'm not a fanticist, I'm not a storywriter. A student of her husband once aproached Shirley Jackson and asked her what painting she was working on. She said I'm a writer, not I'm a painter. But I'm a writer? A writer? Or am I a housewife? Am I a writer or a housewife? Am I what I really am in real life or are the sectret things in my heart the real me? Do other people know who I am? Can they? Do I? Do you, good sir? My guilty pleasures; bad things happening so that I can become very numb feeling, hearing people smarter and cooler than me do things stupider and lamer than I have done yet; also; people stupider than me saying really insightful things every once in a while, or being really funny, so I can say to them "What the hell, you're awesome! I love you! I value you!; thinking that the opinions of others matter; thinking the opinions of others do not matter;

When the only sound advice I can find comes from men on the internet who strive to be even more masculine and stoic than they are disposed to be, often their advice and aspirations can be so far from my pathetic female reality, but: "all mortals tend to turn into the thing they are pretending to be." Anyway, Is imagination demonic? Mom (my precious things) and Dad (the church) are fighting... Latley I have thought that creativity is like magic (given that it is impossible to measure, comprehend, or aquire for me), and that God is more creative than any of us, given that He is THE CREATOR. And in genral the Bible is never lacking in colorful and creative prose. Anyway, anything about faith is rediculous coming from me, who knows nothing about faith. (Deciding later on the awnser: Herein lies the problem with trusting the opinions of people on the internet, I remembered that this guy says the exact opisite, emphaticlly. The middle road is always best for these vauge issues, unless Christ said otherwise.

Was talking to mom about parenting and felt that the kind of problems that kids usually have with their parents are not a result of the parents personal philosophies when it comes to disapline and such but more a result of a battle bettween personalities. I think that I and my parents would have had to been completely different people for me to turn out any differently.

jul6 Hello. I am jealous of the faith of the Amish. I have been reading Patricia Highsmith because an old teacher of mine recommended her because I like Shirley Jackson. I really hate my life right now. I can't summon faith or reverence or excitement for anything, and I have more often than not problems with my sleep. I am discontent because of my boring contented life and so I dream (not day-dream, I am not creative) that I will next year move to a town in Blue Ridge where there is an Orthodox Church. I had a good day today with my boyfriend. I have to drop Edith's diary because it is too filthy. A genre of misery which is unbearable to me is when many people who have given up on life share small quarters. Like a home rented by dysfunctional people who've met off the internet. Or the grimy trailer of my thai friend where 10 or more people slept in any place they could fit every night, and the bathroom was caked, inches deep, in-who-knows-what... And of more than one person.. especially if it's a self-satisfied, happy couple, especially if they work vapid jobs in the hours of the day before, who sit or lay and watch some mindless show together. Anyway, that is the genre of the book. The price of salt is better but very tastefully homoerotic :/(this is the one the teacher recomended, so I had to try. I generally like books about close female relationships, but not ones that were meant to be romantic when they were written. Amazingly, Shirley Jackson's characters really are just good friends, and for camellia, well, it was a different time. I can't think of any others right now, I don't even remember what the one was in rebbecca that stupid stupid (reading book reviews for anything I've ever read, I've come to believe that women who read novels are somehow prone to hallucinations? Or Amnesia, or compulsive lying maybe?)gothic fans say is so totally gay! In general Highsmith's novels seem depressing in a way which is not interesting to me (her mysteries are probably more inspiring?) and I am not a fan of the overly-detailed prose which seems to only serve to take up word count.
Positive: "The point of life is to prepare for what we are going to do next." (This might be from bird's next but i cant remember) I have some money, I have a plan, I have a will to do something on my own and not just wait and wait for it to be done for me. I am very very deviod of God but I have the love and want of God still with me. I have become friendsish with a girl at work:)(not enough to hang out off-duty, but we acknowledge and appreciate eachother on shift.), I love my boyfriend a lot, (I miss caffine so much, I'm so useless everyday now, forever, its horrifying, but even a little and the nights of restlessness and days of suffering will gladly greet me again), my dad is fond of me even though he could choose not to be, I have gone on lots of fun trips lately, the most interesting and smart and funny and attractive and freakish weirdo man I have ever met loves me always even though I am a deppressive slob, my pay is good and my job fun, and greek class havn't been canceled even though the first meeting has been delayed two consecutive weeks. Goodnight.
I also read dream house (not for the women, for the domestic abuse), and uhm hangsaman was a huge hit and life amoung the savages is a bit drab and tartar steppe before that which is very nostolgic to me now after I have read so many very unmasculine books in a row. All I do is work and read and clean, id like to defeat the totalitarian figure which is MYSELF and make a change in my life, please.