november 18th, 2024. 7:14 PM

time passes quickly

I suppose that I've reached the point in my diet(started july, or june, I can't remember) that "other people notice". Yesterday, while in desperate need to waste time, I sat in a barnesandnoble and flipped through the first pages of Black Butler vol1. A asian teenage boy approached me and very, very nurvously made small talk with me. He was so scared that he sounded like deku (meme deku voice) and it was cute desu. I find it hard to belive that I might have any illusion of youth given that my "life" ought to have worn me down by now, but perhaps the many, many (was there ever an exception?) years of staying inside and out of the sun have done me a favour. Anyway, humble brag aside, a girl in my class started a simple conversation after something bad befell her and I helped her while everyone else scorned her. I won't get into it (drab, bleak, uninspiring) but she started small-talking with me over text after class, and then out of nowhere said this;

agu agu agu, . my ego, my vanity, my w=ego is dripping and trobbing . if you're fat this is "weird" but if you lose weight it's "cute!" im happy :3.

november 19th, 2024. 5:05 PM

continuation of yesterday's intention

Somehow the idea that phlebodomy was blood drawing and not a mere dull medical job slipped my mind untill the second day of class. We took eachother's blood then, and I had fun. Mrs doctor also taught us about php therapy and how it can reduce all kinds of physical blemishes. I thought that I would have to get a medical tattoo for the past year, which made me sad and disagreed with my preferences, but Mrs doctor has saved me much woe, because she has shown me how to get rid of my self-inflicted scars with more self harm, lol. Microneedling really does hurt, though.

november 22

studying, eating, cleaning, bleeding

These weeks that I've been involved in school, I've been very happy and tired. I'm a human so I like having a purpose, and anki makes studying really straight forward (and fun :3). M has been going through a very lazy period for a long time now and I don't envy him, but I don't feel judgmental either. This must be how he used to feel about me when I was unemployed and had slop for brains and he worked an office job. (I don't like dwelling, I have so much remorse.)
The Doctor (my teacher, shes almost done with medical school) told me that I should go to medical school and become a doctor and go into research. She was really super insistent. Hospitals will sponsor your education, but I think that I'll become a nurse, through that, and then a BSN if I can (research sounds cool, but ultimitly I'm sure I'll end up in some place that I never could have possibly imagined or planned).
I fainted while my classmate was drawing my blood. It felt like drugs. I was coaching her on drawing because she hadn't done it much. When I started getting really out of it, she was panicing and I was telling her "take it out, take it out" with increasing mild panic as the nausua/drowsyness came over me. When she took it out I put my head on my arm (the one she drew) and I looked at the floor for a tiny bit thinking about how to breathe (in - out, leaden chest cavity) while thinking that If I just breathed and waited a few more seconds that this crazy nitrus/bennadryl/panic attack feeling would start to aliviate, but instead I fell asleep, without warning or awareness, and was awoken from the staticy,cloying, velvety, timeless sleep by my classmate asking if I was okay, and it felt like the choppy consciousness of any deppressent overdose("I have just appeared out of thin air into this classroom, there is a bright floresence and people bustling arround and i'm scared and very tired and honestly annoyed that I was awoken), and I had no idea how long I had been asleep which scared me so I (heavy body, disoriented) used all my effort to anwser the voice, and asked her to get the teacher. (with my head down still).
After the teacher got there I was recovered, but according to my classmates, still pale as a sheet even 20 minutes after.

december 4th 1AM

Gray days, white days (reflection), indigo days (shadow), endless blue days stretching evermore into infinity.

0. Hello, it's both hard to come up with anything and hard to stay on topic when you can write about anything in your life with no restrictions.

1. Thanksgiving was yet another opportunity to make ruinous social mistakes. Every holiday M yells at me, which is the semi-subject for this part of my life: disconnection (a two-phaseal phenomenon). The clichéd hedgehoggery, getting too close to others for comfort and so on. Love is war basically.

2. I am happy when someone tells me what to do; I need instruction. I want to follow an algorithm. M assigned me a challenge this month and said that he would break up with me if I didn't do it, and it seems impossible (it's not), so I've been thinking about my "maybe life," as I am want to do in times of uncertainty.

3. My mood used to keel between (self-deprecating, deflated, hollow, emotionless, and catatonic) submissiveness and spiteful resentfulness. This was a product of my own loneliness, boredom, and lack of self-worth. I would go, compulsively, like an animal, to seek attention and then get rejected and end up more sorry and pathetic than before, on and on in an endless cycle. But now I just keep myself occupied and numb and alone and practice self-restraint when it comes to saying anything, and I get hurt a lot less often for it.

stories for kino the adventurer:

"Stories that involve travel and human interaction"

1. Once my dad wanted my family to go see a rocket launch in flordia. The launch was canceled and we got a hotel. At the time I was taking copius amounts of ritalin daily and I had just gotten kicked out of the millady group. During the entirenty of the trip, I don't know how many days, I rarely saw daylight. I liked to sit in the lobby and walk on the beach and watch the moonlight reflect on the black oil sapping at the shore. A woman who worked there said hi to me one night. We had a good-natured conversation where I asked her what the worst thing she had ever seen there was. She told me about a man who had a heart attack or something naked. And the paramedics had to take him out on a strecher with his penis out.

2. [from my notebook] My father became involved with mining when I was a young teen. He took me with him several times to explore the expances of dust. Sometimes I would find a cute little crystal on the ground (he still has one of these in a case, a white quartz with citraline hugging it), but I didn't really care about finding them, I did it because he encouraged me to. Nither did I care for whatever my dad did in his man-shaped holes all day. I don't remember anything that interested me at that age, but I do remember that I liked to sit beside the lime green pond/bog at the periferial of the mine, where the woods lay beyond. For some reason the pond was filled with acid. And my dad told me that it was strong enough to disolve a pair of boots in a month.
The "mine" (not like the one implanted in your imagination) was a barren place, like the moon. Men like my father did little damage. The more commercially-minded miners came with escavators to rob the soil of her gallstones. I don't understand why people care about gems.

3.

December 5th, 1;30pm...

Boring

I found a solution to the impossible challange last night, so I don't have to worry about getting fired for now. I cleaned the bedroom which I havn't done in a long time, and it makes me giddy and satisfied to have it neat. I also cleaned the living room but I have to do that every 10 days anyway. It's already 10% dirtier than it was yesterday. And the kitchen has to be cleaned every dayish. (should be, isn't) So I have to do that today. There are so many rooms in the world that require so much cleaning.

december 6thth 12:01AM

one way to waste time:

I started drawing again (with soul) after starting phlebodomy ( to help me study). Kept it up and have an art account now. (it started as a meme account for random unfunny things I'd think of).
I have followed this girl who draws like 5 pictures of her solid snake derpy fursona per day (she hit on M online and then we became friends) so I allied up with her to start my posting career. Although I do genuinely find her cool and intresting.

dec 9th

Hello. Hard to belive that it's december again.The seasons don't help to demarcate time here much at all. I wish that I was creative. But that's not that important. I wish that I was spiritual, really. So that things had meaning and I had infinite guidance and direction and got to feel the comfort that ritual provides. I hope that I wouldn't feel any of this if I had friends, but can I have friends? (relationships are stupid psycological playpretend, but neccesary and extremely presurable, like food.) Sent my moms gift today.

DECEMBER 10th. 2:30pm (woke up recently)

for the very first time in my life, I understand what the very first step of using the tech i've used since I was 12, is;

I'm having fun on instagram. I've had a lot of art accounts over my life but all of them were very lonley. I realized that someone who I know who is popular had way more follows than followers so I set out to mass follow people, and wow! Worked really well. Lots of attention influxing twards me and jerking off my digital cock to completion. M doesn't know about it which makes it a very peaceful endevor. (with no spectators). I started Pamella and it REALLY stirs me, especially in the mindset i'm in now. Pamella is me and the anti-me.

I followed people who follow headisinpain. (met my online best friend (who I don't talk to because we are that good of friends) through her server a million years ago so it's a good bet.) Lots of latin americans. They're chill though. And one asian self proclaimed autist and I talked a lot. He's also chill. I like that these people are on the same level as me, but it's too bad they don't exist. (Echo chambers are for man-or-woman children though). Not sure if "Internet community" is a good or bad thing to pursue, if it can replicate real socialization to some degree or not. We'll come to a consensus on that at a later time.

The guy who I had a conversation with called me intresting and stuff. Been a while since I've had "Human Instrumentality Project" style conversation. I kept thinking "why? why am I doing this, using my time this way? what do I gain?" but I think that touching other people and getting a grip on what your reflection look slike to others is good. Especially for me, he said that I probably don't have a good frame of reference for judging things (what if being delusional is nice) (its not, not in the way I am, im not delusional, im ignorant and slow on the uptake) (they do not know the truth so they are miserable)
I scheduled my test for the 2nd of january. I'll have to lock in at some point, but not neccisarily soon. (I am pretty confident about it). I hate being at home. I want to move to busride and schoolwork world.