november 18th, 2024. 7:14 PM

time passes quickly

I suppose that I've reached the point in my diet(started july, or june, I can't remember) that "other people notice". Yesterday, while in desperate need to waste time, I sat in a barnesandnoble and flipped through the first pages of Black Butler vol1. A asian teenage boy approached me and very, very nurvously made small talk with me. He was so scared that he sounded like deku (meme deku voice) and it was cute desu. I find it hard to belive that I might have any illusion of youth given that my "life" ought to have worn me down by now, but perhaps the many, many (was there ever an exception?) years of staying inside and out of the sun have done me a favour. Anyway, humble brag aside, a girl in my class started a simple conversation after something bad befell her and I helped her while everyone else scorned her. I won't get into it (drab, bleak, uninspiring) but she started small-talking with me over text after class, and then out of nowhere said this;

agu agu agu, . my ego, my vanity, my w=ego is dripping and trobbing . if you're fat this is "weird" but if you lose weight it's "cute!" im happy :3.

november 19th, 2024. 5:05 PM

continuation of yesterday's intention

Somehow the idea that phlebodomy was blood drawing and not a mere dull medical job slipped my mind untill the second day of class. We took eachother's blood then, and I had fun. Mrs doctor also taught us about php therapy and how it can reduce all kinds of physical blemishes. I thought that I would have to get a medical tattoo for the past year, which made me sad and disagreed with my preferences, but Mrs doctor has saved me much woe, because she has shown me how to get rid of my self-inflicted scars with more self harm, lol. Microneedling really does hurt, though.

november 22

studying, eating, cleaning, bleeding

These weeks that I've been involved in school, I've been very happy and tired. I'm a human so I like having a purpose, and anki makes studying really straight forward (and fun :3). M has been going through a very lazy period for a long time now and I don't envy him, but I don't feel judgmental either. This must be how he used to feel about me when I was unemployed and had slop for brains and he worked an office job. (I don't like dwelling, I have so much remorse.)
The Doctor (my teacher, shes almost done with medical school) told me that I should go to medical school and become a doctor and go into research. She was really super insistent. Hospitals will sponsor your education, but I think that I'll become a nurse, through that, and then a BSN if I can (research sounds cool, but ultimitly I'm sure I'll end up in some place that I never could have possibly imagined or planned).
I fainted while my classmate was drawing my blood. It felt like drugs. I was coaching her on drawing because she hadn't done it much. When I started getting really out of it, she was panicing and I was telling her "take it out, take it out" with increasing mild panic as the nausua/drowsyness came over me. When she took it out I put my head on my arm (the one she drew) and I looked at the floor for a tiny bit thinking about how to breathe (in - out, leaden chest cavity) while thinking that If I just breathed and waited a few more seconds that this crazy nitrus/bennadryl/panic attack feeling would start to aliviate, but instead I fell asleep, without warning or awareness, and was awoken from the staticy,cloying, velvety, timeless sleep by my classmate asking if I was okay, and it felt like the choppy consciousness of any deppressent overdose("I have just appeared out of thin air into this classroom, there is a bright floresence and people bustling arround and i'm scared and very tired and honestly annoyed that I was awoken), and I had no idea how long I had been asleep which scared me so I (heavy body, disoriented) used all my effort to anwser the voice, and asked her to get the teacher. (with my head down still).
After the teacher got there I was recovered, but according to my classmates, still pale as a sheet even 20 minutes after.